Father Time's bastard son

Age may in fact be more than a sum of all its calendar parts.

At least that's what's purported by the Web site RealAge.com, a new novelty longevity site that asks you questions and spits out your "real" age. My actual age? 27.9 "Real age?" 31.3. Damn it!

You could probably guess at most of the questions, which inquire about everything from drinking habits to exercise and eating patterns. It's a cool concept, except RealAge.com doesn't probe deep enough tthrough one's experiences and lifestyle to really get an accurate measure of what makes one more or less healthier than their years.

They're a bit too gunshy and PG-13, so here are a few additions I'm suggesting:

1) For everyday you're not appearing on Dr. Phil, add one minute, 37 seconds. (Subtract four days for days if you've ever been in the studio audience - 198 days if you're a dude.)

2) Subtract two hours for every glass of Sunny D you've consumed. Subtract three days for every glass of "the purple stuff" you've imbibed. Subtract four days for each snuff film you've seen with a parent in the room.

3) For every novelty greeting card you've received that was purchased from Spencer Gifts, add a week for each guffaw it drew from you. (Ahh, that sleeping cat doesn't even know that it's about to fall off that TV… And that fat lady is going to eat that cake before you even get a bite!)

4) If you've ever eaten Ramen Noodles for dinner five nights in a row or more, subtract the amount of miles that you have on your used Kia hatchback.

5) Add five minutes for every time you've smile at a bum.