The freaks comes out at night (and day) at the State Fair

Sure, the Virginia State Fair boasts music that would be popular at a Wheeling, West Virginia roller rink, pumpkins so big they’d make Charlie Brown cry, and a veritable Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade of southern stereotypes, but that’s all part of its charm.

However, as a journalist, the worst things to cover are annual events in which the only things that change are the fried snack foods de jour and the most popular NASCAR fanny pouch (Hint: it’s not Juan Pablo Montoya). Each year, you find yourself recycling stories and trying to find some way to avoid patronizing on paper whoever groomed the prize-winning sheep.

The best time I had at the fair was back in 2001, when on my third consecutive day of features coverage, I told my editor I was going to do a piece on carney freaks - literal (sort of) freaks, not metaphorical. And just as he said, “You’re doing what?!?!?!” I faked some phone static, hung up and started hunting for the world’s smallest woman.

That day I spent with Myrna the Mermaid, Angel the Snake Girl and Tiny Tasha was an all-timer. Read about it here…

The IRS sent me $37,970.50!? Ooops!

(The following letter is accompanying a voided IRS refund check sent to me in error. Yes, maybe I should have just cashed it and hoped for the best, but I've already lost a thumb war to the Department of the Treasury before..and I'm scared of them.)

Michael Ward Taxpayer, citizen, “America lover”
Richmond, VA 23220

To whom it may concern,

I recently received a tax refund check for $37,970.50. I quickly realized a mistake must have occurred and called the IRS 1-800 phone number to report it. I realize other disonest taxpayers might have deposited the check, grown a mustache and flown to Buenos Ares, or purchased a used Geo Metro and cruise for chicks, but not this responsible citizen.

The check has been voided and is accompanying this very letter. However, I would like to reimbursed for a few things:

• The stamp to mail this letter (39 cents)
• The cell phone air time I used to listen to “The Nutcracker” while waiting on hold to clear up your error. ($2.30)
• And since I wrote this letter on company time, I would like the several minutes worth of my salary reimbursed, so I can forward this to my employer. That’s $5.55.

That totals $8.24. I’ll accept payment by check, Canadian coin, Confederate bonds or New York Mets tickets.

I did want to thank you for the slight feeling of adventure that your accounting error gave me. The thoughts of no longer driving an awful car without A/C, of not buying boxer shorts from Target and of no longer having to use coupons at Shoney’s sent a temporary bolt of electricity through my life.

Instead, I’m left $8.24 in the hole, and with the knowledge that the once infallible Uncle Sam has Huey, Dewey and Luey babysitting his swimming pool of gold. (Please excuse the “Duck Tales” reference.)

With pomp and circumstance,
Michael “Appleseed” Ward

Critical Condition: advice from a retiring movie critic

Whenever I told people that I get paid to review movies, they usually say something along the lines of, "Hey, screw you, buddy! I work for a living."
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Homicide with rainbow sprinkles

Let’s be honest, if you’re dumb enough to rob an ice cream store, you probably deserve something bad. You may not deserve to die; that was the fate of the robber who got blasted by a South Side Baskin-Robbins manager while sticking up the popsicle stand on Thursday. But you should at least be forced to watch the Blue Collar Comedy Tour on a 10-hour loop with your eyelids pried open a la “A Clockwork Orange.”

As reported by the Richmond Times-Dispatch, this was actually the second time the store was robbed. How much does the typical soft serve ice cream cone cost? $2? $3? Was there no nearby Dollar Store to rob, no panhandler to shakedown? It makes as much sense as doing a couple of home invasions in Amish country, and taking the cattle prod and butter churn to the pawn shop.

Thinking about it just gives me brain freeze.